I posted a post on Instagram entitled ‘Never let being liked get in the way of being respected’. This post received so many comments asking for strategies. The post went like this:
Massive shout out to those who have stood for truth, doing the right thing and acting like the adult they were meant to be. Adult? Yeah not all of us act that way. The child within always tries to show its face.
It’s OK to say no without fear of loss.
It’s OK to put yourself first without fear of loss.
It’s OK to insist on being heard in an isolated world without fear of loss. By respecting yourself you are also respecting the other person, by living your own truth. I was asked by an Instagrammer what would be a strategy that we could all utilise to feel OK with saying no without fear of loss. This was something he had been working on for many years.
My reply was this: Let’s be clear when you start to say no people will start to fall away. You have to ask yourself, by letting someone know that how they treat you is not OK and they decide they don’t want to be around you. The key questions is what was the relationship about in the first place? Asserting yourself can be really scary especially if you have never done it before. You deserve healthy relationships and friendships, remember that. Also, once you start you won’t look back. A strategy I would use would be to start setting small boundaries. Maybe you are always the one that does whatever the other person wants to do. Be assertive. Let the other person know why it is not OK for you and also for example you would still like to enjoy their company by doing XYandZ, your choice or a compromise of what they are asking. If they say no you go and enjoy what you want to do. Get to know you.
The question was asked how not to be scared of loss. The reality is nothing is permanent and this is something we must always remember and also none of us like rejection. You have to be your own best friend. Speak to yourself as you would care for another.
How to identify when a boundary has been crossed for you.
You must always listen to your body.
How you feel.
How you think.
The sensations that you feel, etc.
Boundary crossing and boundary violation can be quite confusing. Boundary violation can be very easy to spot and respond to as it causes immediate distress. We feel straightaway how uncomfortable it can be. Boundary crossing can seem a little blurred. It can be thoughtless, inadvertent and harder to spot. Listen to your body, how does it make you feel?
Be consistent.
Say what you mean and mean what you say.
Be consistent with your integrity and boundaries. The more consistent you are the more people will see what your values are and have a greater understanding of your boundaries.